I'm not sure what Whitney's class for the summer is actually about, but judging from the children's book that was left on my side of the bed last night, I would imagine that its title is something like "Traumatizing Children for Life". It was a picture book titled "Arlene Sardine" by an evil genius called Chris Raschka, and even though it's not exactly respectful to the copyright I think that reproducing its text here is the only way to illustrate just how wrong this book is. Rather than set up a main character for children to identify with throughout the book, the author pretends to do this and then kills her off and goes down a different route entirely. Much like a junior version of Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho.

"So you want to be a Sardine.
I knew a little fish once who wanted to be a sardine.
Her name was Arlene. Arlene wanted to be a sardine.
Arlene was born in a fjord.
This Arlene was a kind of little fish called a brisling. She was a happy little brisling because she had about ten hundred thousand friends.
First they swam this way.
Then they swam that way.
When Arlene was two, she was fully grown. For a little fish, she was grown up, grown up enough to become a sardine."

This is all very normal so far, isn't it? But this is where Chris Raschku begins to slowly turn insane.

"First thing Arlene swam into a big net, a purse net, a big purse net.
Arlene swam around in the net for three days and three nights and did not eat ANYTHING, so her stomach would be empty. There is a word for this. The word is THRONGING.
On the third day, the net was lifted out of the water and emptied onto the deck of a fishing boat.
Here, on the deck of the fishing boat, Arlene died."

The image on this page is a pile of fish, their eyes closed in peaceful but unsettling upturned moon shapes. Normally having your main character die twelve pages into the book would be a fairly major obstacle to its continuation, but not for Chris. He ploughs on regardless, detailing every step of the process in a uniquely demented fashion.

"However, Arlene's story is not over, because she was put on ice, in a box, with her friends.
Arlene sailed to the factory.
Machines there, grading machines, sorted Arlene in between other fish her size.
Arlene took a short, salty bath.
Then she was smoked, delicately. She was delicately smoked. Delicately smoked was she.
I'll bet Arlene felt well rested on the conveyer belt.
When Arlene reached the big packing room, she was picked up...
...and put into a little can, a 1/4 dingley can.
They were packed like sardines, which could be like this, or like this, or like this:"

(Here, as you would expect, there are several illustrations showing various arrangements of distressed fish.)

"I wonder if Arlene was a little nervous for the final inspection.
Last thing Arlene was covered in oil, olive oil, closed up with no air inside, hermetically, and cooked in her can.
At last, Arlene was a little fish, in oil, packed in a can. A little fish packed in oil, in a can, is a sardine.
Arlene was a sardine.
A sardine is what Arlene was."

Still, once you've scarred your young ones by reading them this book, you could always cheer them up with a cartoon. It's nice to see that the practice of terrifying children isn't as dead as I thought. Thought I'm still partial to using a threat I heard years ago - "If you don't behave, Margaret Thatcher will come and get you".