Jesvm Christvm. This is a recipe from Paula Dean, a TV chef who has a voice even more grating than Loyd Grossman and seems to be intent on accelerating the inevitable future of the entire population of the country becoming completely spherical. It's called the Lady's Brunch Burger, but I'm not sure what "ladies" are its target audience - all the ones I know would probably faint at the sight of it. Her other recipes include such delicacies as deep fried butter.

It reminds me of this demotivator - and that isn't a photoshop job, it's a real American freezer-aisle product that I find myself wanting to try out of morbid curiosity. I should have got one of those as a leaflet when I got my permanent residence.

I mean, we're not all that healthy in Scotland - indeed, I used to enjoy lunch at the Central in St Andrews where their speciality was the Cheese and Bacon Fat Bastard Burger - but we wouldn't splat it all between two fscking doughnuts. Cripes.