As Whitney is still somehow under the impression that I have ambitions to become a citizen of this country, I've been looking at the form that you have to fill in in order to apply. From what I can tell from the instructions, having gone through all of the fiancee visa and residence processes and paid a fee for them to look at each one, I'm now required to come in through the naturalization process, which costs $675. (Generously, there is also an "Application for Posthumous citizenship" that costs nothing to file if you only want to start becoming a citizen after you've died.)

Dealing with the immigration services or any of their forms is like a constant reminder of the futility of everything you do in life, but I've worked out that I fall under category 2 of the groups of people who can apply for citizenship, having been a permanent resident retroactively for three years AND married to the same US citizen for three years AND that citizen has also been a citizen for three years. Firefox is so disgusted by the pair of them that it just crashes when you try to view them in it (but it's Adobe Reader - this isn't exactly unusual for it), so after downloading the instructions (7 pages including Paperwork Reduction Act note) and form (14 sections, 10 pages), let's have a look at the questions that I have to answer this time...

Chapter 1, verses 1-4

This part is called "Your Name", and is fairly straightforward, but section D is a surprise because it asks you if you want to change your name on becoming a citizen, like some sort of bonus rename token you've bought on Livejournal. The next few parts aren't particularly remarkable or exciting apart from revealing that the usual "Hair/Eye Color" questions that I've had to answer as part of my biometrics (neither of which have an "Unknown" option) are required by the FBI for criminal records searches. The next few, however, are far more impossible:

Chapter 7

A. How many total days did you spend outside of the United States during the past five years?

I don't know! I wasn't aware that I was supposed to be keeping count. Everything before summer 2006 and occasional visits to the outside world starting as soon as they allowed me to do so... I'm sure I can work out a rough estimate.

C. List below all the trips of 24 hours or more that you have taken outside of the United States since becoming a lawful permanent resident. Begin with your most recent trip. If you need more space, use a separate sheet of paper.

What follows is a form asking for exact dates and a count of days spent on them, so it looks like a rough estimate is insufficient for their purposes and the number above had better match the total of everything in this section if I want to be considered. I think that the US is going for the best deterrent to immigration being to make people fall asleep before they've reached the end of the citizenship form.

It starts to get really good after this point.

Part 10. Additional Questions
A. General Questions.

Answer Questions 1 through 14. If you answer Yes to any of these questions, include a written explanation with this form. Your written explanation should (1) explain why your answer was Yes and (2) provide any additional information that helps to explain your answer.

In other words - you really don't want to answer Yes to any of these.

6. Do you have any title of nobility in any foreign country?
7. Have you ever been declared legally incompetent or been confined to a mental institution within the last five years?

Interesting that these are placed so close together. Yes, I am, in fact, King George the Mad. Of Meikle Wartle.

B. Affiliations.

8a. Have you ever been a member of or associated with any organization, association, fund, foundation, party, club, society, or similar group in the United States or in any other place?
b. If you answered "Yes", list the name of each group below. If you need more space, attach the names of the other separate sheet of paper.

The chess club at the academy? Omaha Steaks? A school ceilidh band? TigerDirect's mailing list? bostonfurs? I'm not sure of the exact angle at which you're trying to incriminate me, here.

9. Have you ever been a member of or in any way associated (either directly or indirectly) with:
a. The Communist Party?
b. Any other totalitarian party?
c. A terrorist organization?

Not that I can remember...

10. Have you ever advocated (either directly or indirectly) the overthrow of any government by force or violence?
11. Have you ever persecuted (either directly or indirectly) any person because of race, religion, national origin, membership in a particular social group, or political opinion?

Hmmmmm... no?

12. Between March 23, 1933, and May 8, 1945, did you work for or associate in any way (either directly or indirectly) with:
a. The Nazi government of Germany?
b. Any government in any area (1) occupied by, (2) allied with, or (3) established with the help of the Nazi government of Germany?
c. Any German, Nazi, or S.S. military unit, paramilitary unit, self-defense unit, vigilante unit, citizen unit, police unit, government agency or office, extermination camp, concentration camp, prisoner of war camp, prison, labor camp, or transit camp?

Very familiar questions to anyone who's ever come into the US on the Visa waiver - the idea here is that if you say "No" when you were actually Hitler's secretary, you've then lied about it, and the act of lying about it is somehow more incriminating than organizing the packed lunches for the invasion of Poland.

D. Good Moral Character.

22. Have you ever:
a. Been a habitual drunkard?
b. Been a prostitute, or procured anyone for prostitution?
c. Failed to support your dependents or to pay alimony?
d. Sold or smuggled controlled substances, illegal drugs, or narcotics?
e. Been married to more than one person at the same time?
f. Helped anyone enter or try to enter the United States illegally?
g. Gambled illegally or received income from illegal gambling?

None of these, but I think 22a would present some problems for several people I knew in university.

23. Have you ever given false or misleading information to any U.S. Government official while applying for any immigration benefit or to prevent deportation, exclusion, or removal?
24. Have you ever lied to any U.S. Government official to gain entry or admission into the United States?

I made up the address where I was going to stay, the first time I was here, because I couldn't remember what it was and had no means of checking on the plane. But I admitted this at the time, so I'm in the clear for that.

H. Oath Requirements

34. Do you support the Constitution and form of government of the United States?

Not really. It seems a bit shafted.

35. Do you understand the full Oath of Allegiance to the United States?

As far as it goes.

36. Are you willing to take the full Oath of Allegiance to the United States?

No (see later)

37. If the law requires it, are you willing to bear arms on behalf of the United States?

Absolutely not

38. If the law requires it, are you willing to perform noncombatant services in the U.S. Armed Forces?

No, not particularly

39. If the law requires it, are you willing to perform work of national importance under civilian direction?

I've honestly no idea what this involves, but maybe, if it involves being suddenly dragged along into the plot of Die Hard 3 - it depends on how I'm feeling that day.

If your application is approved, you will be scheduled for a public oath ceremony at which time you will be required to take the following Oath of Allegiance immediately prior to becoming a naturalized citizen. By signing, you acknowledge your willingness and ability to take this oath:

I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen...

What?! No, forget it. It's bad enough making me something that I've been rather proud of not being up until this point, but taking what I already am away from me and indoctrinating me fully into "American" status is miles too far.

That's a whole lot of money saved, then.